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#5951 |  | I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" -- Steven Wright
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#5952 |  | I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" -- Steven Wright
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#5953 |  | I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. -- Groucho Marx
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#5954 |  | I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
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#5955 |  | I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. -- Groucho Marx
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#5956 |  | I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. -- Lenny Bruce
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#5957 |  | I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. -- Fred Allen
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#5958 |  | I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. -- Woody Allen
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#5959 |  | I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson
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#5960 |  | I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen
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